This has been a grief filled week. My sister’s husband Don passed away on Monday. It that wasn’t enough, most of my close friends have had some new grief in the last few weeks. Finally there is the horrible devastation from the Israel / Hamas war and the “civil” war in Sudan. This morning Hidden Brain’s Podcast came to the top of my queue with its timely content: Healing 2.0: Life After Loss which got me reflecting on what I know about grief.
Not a Linear Progression
My first observation is that everyone is different, and no one goes through the so-called “stages of grief” in a linear fashion. I think the stages of grief are more “modes of responding”. We have a tendency to jump between all of the reactions. Often little things will result in very strong responses. This is normal. The grief process is messy and chaotic.
The other thing is that it’s good to pull back from the grief when it’s too much. This isn’t denial or avoidance. We don’t have to be pressing into grief all the time. It’s healthy to oscillate between grief and simply living.
The period of grieving is highly variable. Some people process deep grief in months… these people are outliers. There are others who never recover, such as people who suffer from PTSD… each time their memories are triggered it’s like a fresh trauma. Most people get through the worst of their grief in a couple of years, though the grief might flare up at the oddest times when something triggers a memory, a regret, etc.
Most People Don’t Help
Most people are not very good at helping you grieve. They are uncomfortable and want to do or say something to make their discomfort, and maybe yours, go away. This is a period that is uncomfortable and no words are going to change that.
Some people will want to identity with you, and will bring up how they “understand” your grief because of X, where X is something that will seem to be on a completely different scale like they broke up with their boyfriend of six months as compared to the lost of a spouse of 30 years.
All I can say is that it will get better in time, and that there will be people who will be a surprise blessing.
In one of my lowest moments a gentleman I barely knew came up to me, put his arm over my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said “It’s hard”. When he saw that I got it, he smiled at me and walked away. I knew he understood my pain, that I wasn’t alone, and that somehow it would get better. I think that brief interaction carried me for more than a month. Trust that when you most need it, God will bring people by who will speak to your heart and be a source of encouragement.
My recommendation to people who are grieving is figure out who are the people and activities that are the most comforting and helpful, and make sure that’s what you concentrate on. Maybe it’s your closest friends and favorite activities, but don’t be surprised if it’s people you just met or a new activity. I have met a number of people who were never runners, cyclists, or hikers, but found that they ran, pedaled, or walked their way out of their grief. I started several new friendships with people who were able to support me in the midst of my grief.
If you know someone who is grieving, don’t try to fix them. Be willing to sit in that difficult place with them, and talk about whatever they want to talk about. Often what people need to hear is what that gentleman told me. “It’s hard”, with an indication that you really see their pain and won’t run because of it. Sometimes no words are best.
What Ifs?
When faced with deep grief it’s common to play the “what if” game. This is an endless rabbit hole which will bring nothing but pain. I was willing to permit myself one or two what if? in a sitting, but then I would remind myself that it’s not going to be helpful and find something else to think about.
For example, After I lost Libby to cancer I found myself wondering if we should have chosen more extreme measures, been more aggressive to find experimental treatments, etc. There were people who indicated we should have fought harder, who had hopes that Libby could have been miraculously cured if only…, that we shouldn’t have given up and switch to hospice care when we did. I had some comfort that Libby and I had talked extensively, she had written a living will, and most importantly that Libby knew she was going to see the Lord, something she deeply desired to do. Our hope is in eternity, not now.
Good Memories
Remembering and looking at the richness of life together can be very healing in time. I found writing down memories particularly helpful. The day I lost my dad I wrote a tribute to him. Likewise, when one of my mentors, Doug Goins passed. I couldn’t do that with Libby because the emotions were too strong. Several months later I was able to write 27 years of blessings. I also found looking through my pictures and orginizing them, especially make some “Best Of…” albums was really helpful.
Self Care
During a time of severe grief it’s really important to time take care of yourself. Get sleep, if you are having trouble sleeping be willing to take meds for a bit. Take care of your body and find time to feed your soul. Listen to music… it helps most of us move into places, to face emotions that we might have trouble accessing otherwise. Get outside. Walk in a forest. Get some exercise.
Caring for Someone Grieving
If someone you care about is deep in grief find little ways to help them. Often to drop off a meal, or if they would prefer, take them out or have them come to your place for the meal. Don’t say “If you need something, ask and I will be happy to help”. Most people don’t have the energy to self advocate. Rather I recommend observing what they are doing and then make a specific offer of help. If you can’t come up with something ask what’s really hard for them, what’s a struggle, or overwhelming them right now. Based on that answer ask if they would permit you to take a very specific action you have determined would lighten the load on them.
Whatever you do, don’t ghost your friends because you are uncomfortable. If the person is a close friend consider calling them on some sort of regular interval… somewhere between daily and weekly so your friend will know they haven’t been forgotten. This is especially important after a few month when most everyone else goes back to normal, and some people might be pressing the grieving person to “get on with life”
Talk about the person (or whatever is at the root of the grief). Avoiding is not a help.
I also want to say something to all the women out there whose friend has their her husband. Support your friend. Include her as an honorary member of your family. She is not going to steal your husband. I have heard far too many stories of women who were struggling with the lost of the husband to have most of their friends distancing from them. Don’t do it.
Embrace Life
The USA we have a narrative of the transformational trauma. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I think this puts a huge pressure on people in the midst of deep grief which isn’t helpful. There are people who go through a massive transformation, but they are the exception. Most people struggle through the trauma to emerge much like they were with one exception. Nearly everyone who has gone through major trauma have more compassion and empathy for others.
There are times that your physiological reactions with knock you back and your emotions will run wild. There is nothing you can do to stop these emotions. What you can do is choose your response. We can observe and slowly direct our thoughts. What helped me the most was to choose life. To look for beauty, to find things that I could be grateful for, to look at things that gave me hope, to watch for people being kind to each other.
Loneliness
If you are anything like me, once the crush of functioning and a sense of numbness fades, you will face a crushing loneliness, just a huge sense of emptiness is likely going to one of those hard things you will face. Nothing will make it go away, but in time, it will heal. I found loneliness can transform into solitude.
If you have someone who is grieving the lost of someone, make it a point to check in on them. Not so much in the first couple of weeks, but after that when everyone else is going on with their lives. Encourage the grieving person to have good outlets. Maybe they have enough friends (and it will take several) who understand enough to be good companions. Maybe encourage them to check out GriefShare or other support organization.
Other Material
- Hidden Brain podcast: Healing 2.0: Life After Loss
- two blog posts I appreciated
Resources
There are organizations that exist to support people who are going through seasons of grief. Virtually everyone I know who has facing significant grief have indicate that spending time with others who have (or are currently) struggling through grief has been very helpful. People who actually understand. Many religious organizations sponsor group but don’t require people to share their faith nor do they proselytize.
- Kara in Palo Alto, CA is a comprehensive center that provides individual counseling as well as facilitated support and counseling groups. They have a great program for kids.
- GriefShare online and locations around the US. Typically meets monthly.
- Stephen Ministry is a program that trains people to walk along side people who are facing hard things. Not to solve problems, but to be present, to act as a sounding boarding, ask good questions, and connect people to good resources. Their “locator” isn’t on the website anymore. Google “Stephen Ministry” your city to get a list of churches which provide this service.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
II Cor 1:3-4 ESV
