I noted in my post about church essentials that God’s love and grace is the heart of a healthy church which leads to people who are gracious, humble, welcoming and compassionate. Ironically, as churches get serious about following their Lord, something often goes wrong.  While they continue to teach “grace” and proclaim “the gospel”, their conduct and attitudes seem more like the Pharisees than Jesus.  The people become “religious”,  often characterized by legalism, pride, exclusion, and judgement. The question I have been wresting with is how does one encourage people to be committed to following the way of Jesus, without becoming religious.

The secret to being committed and grace filled is to have a vital relationship with our Lord. If we are moment by moment in communion with our Lord, if we are seeing the world through His eyes, things will be good. Of course this is easy to say, and hard to live out. It so easy to stop looking to the Lord, and instead work from our experiences, ideas, and perspectives. I think a sign of maturity is not that a person doesn’t forget the Lord, but that they are humbly able to admit the distanced themselves and come back quickly.

Some ideas that have bouncing around in my head but I haven’t been able to turn them into a concise post which has sufficient details. The key ideas are:

• A place where everyone is welcome. No conditions or expectations on people.
• Timing is in God’s hand. People are never rushed or pushed. It’s ok to challenge people but never demand or be conditional.
• Commitment is to follow Jesus, not to do what the community wants
• Community trusts God to provide… don’t need to pressure people to keep their commitments
• God reveals Himself to everyone. Everyone has something to share (Parker Palmer model of knowing)
• Goal is God being magnified… people seeing his love and beauty, not our church growing (though it will typically grow when God is at the center).
• Seasons… things change, it’s ok if one thing ends because God is starting new things elsewhere
• Anytime you have a goal and you are measuring KPI, always ask how can that lean in a wrong direction and measure those unintended consequences to know when you are off track.

I really wanted to post something about this topic. Since my thoughts are still jumbled I decided to cheat. Here are a series of interactions with chat-gpt. In the future I hope my thoughts will become clear and concise enough to remove the chat-gpt text and replace it with what I write. Section headings are my prompts. Subheadings and text from chat-gpt.

How did the early church avoid become religious (like Pharisees) as they instituted a rule of life

You’re touching on something profoundly human and spiritually difficult: how to build something beautiful and focused without becoming proud, insular, or unwelcoming. Here’s a way to think about it, rooted in the wisdom of the Desert Fathers, early church, and practical spiritual leadership:

Hold the Mission with Clarity, and the People with Gentleness

A healthy mission needs people who are all-in. But that clarity of mission must be paired with a generosity of spirit. The tension is real—but it’s also sacred.

“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” – Dale Carnegie (surprisingly relevant here)

Invite people into belonging before demanding full commitment. Let them taste the beauty of the community and the mission before they take on its full weight.

Create “Inner Rings” Without Walls

Instead of “in” vs. “out,” think of layers:

• The core: those who are fully committed to the rule, rhythm, and mission.
• The engaged: those exploring, showing up, trying to understand.
• The curious: drawn but not yet involved.

The early church did this naturally. Catechumens were people on the way to baptism, fully welcomed in love, but not yet in full sacramental communion. They weren’t judged for it. They were treasured.

The goal isn’t to lower the bar for commitment—it’s to extend the invitation without pressure.

Model Vulnerability, Not Superiority

Pride kills community. But humility opens doors.

If leaders and core members regularly speak of their own weakness, struggles, and need for grace, it creates an atmosphere where no one feels like they have to “be ready” to belong.

“Come as you are” only works if those inside admit who they really are too.

This is what the Desert Fathers did—they never pretended to be holy. They called themselves beginners even after decades.

Give Space for Slow Conversion

Jesus didn’t demand everything at once. He walked with people. He let them linger. Even his own disciples took years to understand what he was doing.

In any mission-driven community, some will need time. Invite them to:

• Participate in life-giving rhythms (meals, prayer, service)
• Be loved before being tasked
• Share voice before making vows

Rule without relationship leads to rebellion.

Relationship without rule leads to confusion.

But relationship with time to grow into the rule? That’s formation.

See Readiness as a Mystery, Not a Measurement

Who is “ready” is rarely obvious. Often the loudest, most zealous ones fall away. The quiet, hesitant ones become the faithful core.

So a wise community:

• Listens more than it evaluates
• Prays more than it pressures
• Walks alongside rather than dragging or excluding

Think garden, not factory. Let people grow. Water them with presence, patience, and purpose.

How to Engage in Practices that lead to humble and committed members?

Here’s a framework you can adapt to your mission-driven community—whether it’s spiritual, creative, justice-focused, or otherwise. The goal: form a community with clear commitment, open doors, and gentle pathways in.

The Table: Radical Welcome

Posture: Come and see

Who it’s for: The curious, exploring, unsure

Practices:

• Open gatherings, meals, storytelling
• No expectations, just invitation
• Focus on hospitality, beauty, and non-coercive presence

Message:  “You belong here even before you believe or commit.”

Desert wisdom echo:

The monks welcomed all visitors as Christ. Even those who were skeptical or sinners.

The Hearth: Shared Life

Posture: Come and be known

Who it’s for: Interested and relationally invested

Practices:

• Shared practices (simple prayer rhythms, meals, serving)
• Gentle exposure to the rule of life
• Safe spaces for questions and real conversation
• No pressure, just proximity

Message:  “You matter. Your story matters. Let’s walk together awhile.”

Why this matters: This is where the seed of commitment starts to grow. Think belonging before believing, believing before behaving.

The Workshop: Gentle Practice

Posture: Come and be shaped

Who it’s for: Ready to grow, but still forming

Practices:

• Intro-level commitments (partial rule, spiritual guidance, regular rhythm)
• Shared projects that matter
• Mentoring, not managing
• Failures treated as normal and expected

Message:  “You don’t have to be perfect—just willing.”

This is like a catechumenate. It’s where the rule of life becomes invitation, not obligation.

The Circle: Covenant Community

Posture: Come and commit

Who it’s for: Those who’ve discerned a call to shared life and responsibility

Practices:

• Full rule of life
• Mutual accountability (gracious, not rigid)
• Discernment in community
• Roles of leadership or stewardship

Message:  “We’re in this for the long haul. Let’s bear the weight together.”

Important: This isn’t exclusive—it’s simply mature. It exists so the community can last, deepen, and bless others. These are your culture-keepers.

The Door: Permeable Movement

At any point, people should be free to move inward or outward through the circles—without shame.

• Someone may step back for a season of rest or grief.
• Another might move inward slowly, or jump forward when grace hits.
• Honor everyone’s pace.

The key: Clarity without pressure. Invitation without judgment.

How do good practices lead to a community that is characterized by legalism, pride, exclusion, and judgement?

This is one of the most important (and heartbreaking) dynamics in spiritual community—and it’s happened over and over again throughout history:

A community starts with vision, devotion, and simplicity,

and over time becomes marked by legalism, pride, and exclusion.

Here’s how and why that shift tends to happen.

What Begins as a Tool Becomes an Idol

The rule of life starts as a trellis to help people grow—prayer rhythms, fasting, silence, shared labor. It’s flexible and pastoral.

But over time, the form can become more important than the fruit. The practices are mistaken for proof of holiness.

“The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” — Jesus (Mark 2:27)

How it happens:

• Practices become identity markers.
• People forget why the rule was created in the first place.
• The rule gets used to measure others, not humble oneself.

Stability Becomes Rigidity

Early communities are often dynamic, humble, experimental. But as they grow or institutionalize, they fear losing control. So they tighten the rule.

How it happens:

• Structure becomes survival.
• Leaders react to failure or disorder by doubling down on rules.
• Adaptability is replaced with gatekeeping.

“We must protect the mission” becomes a reason to exclude the slow, messy, or broken.

Commitment Gets Confused with Superiority

People who have made serious sacrifices naturally feel invested. But without deep humility, that commitment can morph into pride.

“I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get…” — The Pharisee (Luke 18:12)

How it happens:

• The deeply committed forget their own journey.
• Newcomers are seen as threats or lesser.
• Instead of inviting, people begin filtering.

The Fear of Losing “Purity”

This is a huge one. When a community tastes something beautiful—deep prayer, intimacy with God, close fellowship—there’s often a fear of losing it.

So what do we do? Build walls. Protect the vibe. Keep “impure” elements out.

How it happens:

• Exclusion is framed as “faithfulness.”
• Difference is seen as danger.
• Mercy is sacrificed for the sake of “doctrinal” or “cultural” purity.

Ironically, in trying to preserve the soul of the community, we can kill it.

Judgment Easier Than Compassion

When people fall short of the rule—or resist it—it’s easier to judge than to walk with them. Especially when compassion is costly.

“Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” — The Pharisees (Matthew 9:11)

How it happens:

• Rules provide clarity; people are complex.
• Judging gives a sense of control.
• Compassion feels inefficient and emotionally exhausting.

So the “righteous” push the wounded out instead of binding their wounds.

Summary: A Tragic Drift

What Starts As…	Eventually Becomes…
A shared rhythm for growth	A rigid code for measuring worth
Commitment to Christ	Commitment to community culture
Loving correction	Cold judgment
Invitation to healing	Exclusion for imperfection
Humble sacrifice	Spiritual pride

So, how do we resist this?

A few enduring practices from the Desert Fathers and others:

1. Practice daily humility – Confess weakness, not achievement.
2. Center mercy over rule – Let love guide enforcement.
3. Adapt the rule to the weak – Just like Jesus did.
4. Keep telling the origin story – Remember why you began.
5. Place relationship before regulation – Always.

What are warning signs that a community is drifting into legalism?

Think of these like spiritual “check engine lights.” If you see a few of these, it’s time to pause, reflect, and gently course-correct.

The Rule Becomes the Point

• People talk more about keeping the practices than why they exist.
• The original heart (prayer, presence, humility, love) gets lost in talk of “structure” and “discipline.”

🧠 “We fast on Wednesdays and Fridays.”
❤️ “We fast to hunger for God and stand with the poor.

Flexibility Is Viewed as Compromise

• Mercy, nuance, and pastoral flexibility are seen as weakness.
• People fear “watering things down” more than they fear becoming harsh.

If someone suggests adapting the rule for the wounded or new, the response is:

“That’s not how we do things here.”

Spiritual Hierarchies Emerge

• Those who follow the rule most visibly are subtly (or overtly) elevated.
• People who struggle feel like second-class citizens—or leave quietly.

The rule is no longer a trellis; it’s a pedestal.

Correction Lacks Compassion

• Confrontation becomes sharp, cold, or public.
• There’s little space to confess weakness without fear.
• Accountability feels more like policing than shepherding.

“We need to protect the standard.”

becomes a cover for shaming those who fail.

Judgment Replaces Joy

• People become more focused on who’s “doing it wrong” than on celebrating what’s good.
• Critique becomes the dominant mode of communication.
• Laughter, warmth, and hospitality decrease.

Legalism kills joy—it replaces gratitude with performance anxiety.

Insiders Stop Noticing Outsiders

• There’s little awareness or care for people not yet “inside” the rhythm or culture.
• Language becomes insider-heavy and unintentionally alienating.
• The door is still open—but no one’s really holding it.

“They just don’t get it,” instead of “How can we help them feel welcome and seen?”

Failure is Seen as a Threat, Not a Grace

• There’s no space for people to be messy, slow, or inconsistent.
• Struggles are seen as dangerous, not sacred.
• The community forgets how much grace they once received.

The focus shifts from formation to filtering.

A Healthy Rule of Life Should Always Feel Like:

• A path, not a pedestal
• A gift, not a gate
• A support, not a scoreboard
• A tutor, not a tyrant
• A shared meal, not a spiritual test